Sweet Summertime!

Today's happy smiles were brought to us by Med-el's new waterwear for rondos! 

Rondos are the all-in-one processor and magnet that are worn on her head only and not on her ears. Marlee will not wear these everyday, but they will be great for swimming now that they have a cover for water protection. 

Before this waterwear came out in July, we used make-shift covers (ziploc bags) at the beach to protect from splashes and sand, but we had to take the implants completely off in the pool or ocean.

Now, thanks to the new waterwear, Marlee can play in water and hear at the same time! She had a blast with her friends at MOSD's water day yesterday, and today she played in her pool at home for the first time this summer. She played for HOURS! I told Greg that it finally felt like a summer day - even though it is already August 1st! 

Here are more fun pictures of our little fish (and her brother) on this perfect summer day! 

Do you hear what I hear?? I hear the sounds of a squealing, happy little girl splashing in the water -- and she hears them too!!!

Ready or Not...

Here we go again! 

Marlee has been out of school for the month of June and what a glorious month it has been. We had a great beach trip and have made lots of fun memories. The best part is that Marlee has had lots of time to just play at home and play she has done!!

Tomorrow is the beginning of MOSD's summer session. I have a lump in my throat thinking about getting back into the school routine. Unlike the first day last year, now I know how much Marlee loves school, and I am excited for her to see her friends. She will transition to a new classroom, Ms. Holly's room, but her same friends will be going with her. 

I feel guilty talking, once again, about how much I will miss her. Maybe all of the days she is not at home make me appreciate the days she is even more, but there is absolutely nothing I love more than having her home with me all day. If I let myself think for too long about not having her here, I would cry for days. Instead, I am reminding myself of all of the mom's who have to do this everyday when they go to work. The best thing is to remind myself how much Marlee loves her teachers and friends and how much they love her.

I also remember that at the beginning of last year, I never thought it would be hard for the end of the school year to come but that is exactly what happened. Here is the letter I wrote to her teacher, Abby, thanking her for all she had done for Marlee. 

Dear Abby,

From the time Marlee was only three months old and I knew she would be attending MOSD until August of last year, I dreaded, with all of my heart, the beginning of school. I knew Marlee would eventually love school just as I always have, but the thought of taking my baby, not yet two years old, and leaving her every day was too much. I dreamed my whole life of being a stay at home mom. Being home each day with my little girl was everything I could have hoped for, and it was being taken away too soon. For me, sending Marlee to school, has been the hardest part of this journey. Even through the scariest times in the beginning when Marlee's diagnosis was unclear, she was right with me. Going to school, however, meant that being at home with me was not what was best for her, and that I had to entrust my most precious gift to someone else.

Thank you, Abby, for loving my most precious gift. I could have never dreamed of a better teacher for Marlee or hoped for a better place to send her each day. It was not an easy transition and the first few weeks of school were not without tears (from both Marlee and me), but Marlee loved you instantly. Thank you, for letting her cling to you. Thank you for being her safe place, her lap to sit on - for being her friend. Thank you for expecting her to do big things but for letting her be little.  Thank you so much for letting her be little.

There is a quote in the hallway at MOSD that says "Where there is great love, miracles happen." I have witnessed miracles in Marlee's life every day this year thanks to the love she has received from you and so many others at MOSD.  Never did I imagine that by the end of this year I would be listening to Marlee sing songs for 45 minutes to and from school every day or listening to her talk from the time we get home until she goes to sleep. Rather than crying each morning as she did in the beginning, she now wakes up saying, "I go see Abby." I love when we leave school and she says, "Bye, Abby's home." :)

I could go on and on because I could never thank you enough for loving her, for teaching her, for cheering her on, and for being so genuinely proud of every accomplishment. As happy as I will be to have her home with me for a month this summer, my heart aches that this year is ending. She still has so many things to achieve at MOSD, but this will always be the year that Marlee learned to talk - something some may take for granted, but not us. Every day she talks is a priceless gift that we are forever thankful for. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for playing such a huge role in that gift. And because I just can't tell you enough, thank you, again, for loving our Marlee. 

Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new year of memories with Ms. Holly. I am praying that Marlee will feel as safe, secure, and confident with Holly as she did with Abby. Other than her home, I cannot think of a better place for Marlee than MOSD. Tonight, even with a heavy heart, I am looking forward to all that this new year will hold. 

A Few of My Favorite Things...

...that Marlee is doing right now.

• "Whodat?": Marlee's favorite question to ask. She points to anyone, including people she knows and asks " Whodat?". When she is really excited she asks, "Whodat, Whodat, Whodat, Whodat?" as quickly as she can possibly say it!
• "Mar turn": When Marlee wants to do something, she boldly announces that it is "Mar's turn." This is something she has learned at school because they strongly encourage them to say something (rather than just yelling out or motioning) when they want to have their turn. My favorite part is that she now refers to herself as "Mar turn" whenever we point to her picture or ask who she is. She thinks it is her name! 
• "Wa": She calls her friend, Olivia, "Wa." We have no idea why, but we crack up every time she says it. Her teacher, Ms. Abby, says another classmate has now started calling Olivia, "Wa Wa." Marlee has started a bad trend! Just this weekend we have noticed her trying to say "Olivia" and it makes me kind of sad. I will miss "Wa!"
• Speaking of "Wa": "Wa" is also her word for walk. She has a Charlie Brown doll that her friend Annie Kate gave her for her 1st birthday. Since watching "The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown", Charlie has become her best friend. While walking through a parking lot this weekend, she put Charlie down next to her and said, "Wa." She put him down on his feet several times hoping he would walk along beside her. He of course fell right over. She then leaned over to help him walk but must have decided that was too much trouble. She picked him up and carried him the rest of the way!
• "Mo": Marlee has developed very strong opinions and quickly replies "Mo" (No) while shaking her head back and forth when she does not want to do something. 
• Carpet time: Marlee had a bit of a difficult time adjusting to carpet time at school. It was, of course, very hard to sit on a piece of carpet and focus for a period of time when she would much rather be up and playing. She did, however, decide that she enjoyed sitting on Ms. Abby's lap during that time. Apparently, Ms. Abby's lap was a much more comfortable spot than her carpet square. One day Ms. Abby told Marlee that she did not have a choice, and she had to sit on her carpet square. Marlee marched right over to the carpet square, picked it up, put it in Ms. Abby's lap, and plopped herself right down on that carpet square...in Ms. Abby's lap :). She technically did follow directions!
• Letters: Marlee is a little obsessed with the alphabet. She loves letters! She especially loves recognizing the first letters in her friend's name. Everyday we have to write down letters and she tells us her friends' names. M is of course "Mar turn." and "Mama". J is "Jacob". L for "Lou" (Lewis). O for "Wa" (Olivia). K for "Ki" (Keith). A for "Akky" (Abby). S for "Sue". H for "Hu" (Hunt). G for "Dada" (Greg) and "G" (Gran). Anytime and anywhere she sees these letters, she excitedly says the name that goes along with the letter! She may be a little confused when she learns that A is actually the letter A and not Abby :). 
• "Gagy": She loves her babies!! They go with her everywhere and she sleeps with one each night. She loves any type of pretend play with her dolls.
• Colors: Marlee loves to color and to tell us what color everything is. She even points to cars as they drive by and tells us what color they are. If she is playing with a certain color toy and someone has that color on their clothes, she puts the toy next to the clothes and matches and names the colors.
• "Row Row": Like all two year olds, she loves the iPad. Her favorite thing to do is watch nursery rhymes. When she wants to watch, she comes up to us saying, "row, row," quite persistently! Meaning, of course that she wants to watch "Row, row. row your boat." The funniest part as that she does the rowing motion with her arms as she is making her request known! If that does not work, she begins moving her arms in a circular motion indicating that she would like to watch "Wheels on the Bus."
• "Knock, Knock": Door, container, it doesn't matter...if it can be opened, Marlee knocks on it. She started by knocking and saying "Mock, Mock." then she added "Mock, Mock, Oten." Now it is an almost perfect sounding, "Knock, knock. Open Door!" (even if it's not a door) :).

This pictures was taken the weekend before Thanksgiving one year ago. It was Marlee's first time on a carousel. Look at what a little baby she was!!! I saw this last night and knew I had to write down some of my favorite "Marlee" things right NOW. It goes too fast, and I'm afraid I will forget so much. Oh, how much she has learned in just one year! Two is such a fun stage, as I'm sure all of her stages will be, but it would be ok for time to slow down a bit!

Eating pancakes last Saturday morning with her friend, Charlie, right by her side. He and/or her babies joins us for most meals these days :).

My Favorite View

She may think I leave her at school everyday, but my very best days are when I am right there with her - watching from the observation room. My favorite place is right with you, sweet girl!

Happy Hearing Day!

Tomorrow, we will celebrate Marlee's 1st hearing birthday. This time last year, I was filled with excitement and anxiety as we anticipated the long awaited day! I was unsure of what the day as well as Marlee's life after that day would hold. One thing, though, I did know. October 28th, the day the cochlear implants would be turned on, would be Marlee's miracle day.

It was not long until I realized that the miracle did not end on that day. One year later, I can say that I have witnessed miracles each day since. It is difficult to explain the excitement I feel with every new milestone in Marlee's life. From helping her learn to walk, to watching her respond to noise, to hearing her singing in the back seat of the car. My heart leaps with joy over every accomplishment. No small noise she makes or word she says is taken for granted. I can say with confidence that Marlee is able to do these things because of the Lord's work in her life. Without her miracle of hearing, these things would not be possible.

Some days I watch her in school and think, this just isn't fair. Why is my baby having to work so very hard just to learn to listen and talk? Such an easy task for so many, but for Marlee, it is work. I then pray that the hard work will always remind Marlee that her accomplishments are only a result of the Lord's strength and power working in her life. This is true for all of us, but is so easy to forget. I pray that Marlee will always remember and celebrate her miracle day. Not just to celebrate the miracle but to give thanks to the Giver of those miracles.

This morning in church, the pastor said that "God works in miraculous signs and wonders to get people's attention, so they can respond to the truths of the Word of God." I pray that others will see the truths of God's Word through the miracle He has done and is doing in Marlee's life. This is why I can never stop thanking Him or telling others what He has done. It will never become ordinary that my daughter can hear and speak.

"I remember it all, oh how well I remember, the feeling of hitting the bottom...but this I call to mind and have hope...His mercies are new every morning." Lamentations 3

It is through His mercies that He has brought us to this place. I pray for fresh works and continued miracles in Marlee's life that keep our attention on Him and bring glory to Him alone.

Happy 1st hearing birthday, Marlee! What joy you bring to our lives. May you always see your gift of hearing through cochlear implants, not as a hindrance, but as a blessing from The Lord given to you to bring Him honor through your life. 

Oh, how He loves you!!

Marlee's First Day of School

So much has happened since my last blog post before Marlee's first day of school. Our anticipation of that dreaded day continued this summer until the morning of August 12th when I was sure I had no more tears to cry and was as ready as I could be to take Marlee to MOSD. Greg took the day off of work, so we could spend the day in Germantown (as close to Marlee as we could be) together. The best part of the day for me was dressing Marlee in her new school dress and taking pictures.

Marlee the elephant :)

We arrived at MOSD and met Marlee's teacher, Ms. Abby. We stayed in the classroom for a few minutes until Marlee seemed comfortable.

Marlee with her teacher, Ms. Abby.

Right away she found an elephant book that she loved!

When we left her classroom, we slipped into the observation room where we stayed and watched until 10:30 that morning. Marlee did not cry too much the first day, she was just unsure of everything that was going on. We watched as Ms. Abby showed Marlee her cubby and they did a few activities, and then as Ms. Katie came to get her for her first therapy session.

My brave girl walking down the hall to speech therapy with Ms. Katie. 

One of my favorite things about MOSD is that parents are encouraged to stay and observe as much as possible. Observing has given me great insight into what Marlee is doing at school, so I can reinforce the learning at home. Plus, I can not even explain how much fun it is to be a "fly on the wall,"and watch all she does at school!

Marlee did get upset at snack time on that first day because they combined classes and went to Ms. Sue's room next door to eat. It was hard to watch her upset, but soon the Oreos on the school bus snack seemed to make it all better.

Then they went back to Ms. Abby's room to make a school bus craft. 

We watched Marlee in her 2nd therapy session and then left before they went to recess. It was a long day of waiting to go back and pick up my girl. 

The first day was an overall success, but it was a terrible night knowing I had to take my baby back the next day. The thought of my days at home with Marlee suddenly coming to an end was overwhelming. I was desperate for her to be home with me the next morning watching Sesame Street. I also knew the second day would not go as smoothly as the first because Marlee would know what was coming, and I was right. 

She pretty quickly attached to Ms. Abby, but transition times when she had to leave Ms. Abby to go to her therapy sessions were very difficult. There were days when she cried the first hour. Days where she cried through both therapy sessions. Days where she cried through recess. And days where she was teary all day. I stayed and observed as much as possible, and always stayed in Germantown. I did not want to come home to my empty house, and I wanted to be near her. The only way to describe the first three weeks is HARD! 

This is not what I signed up for. My plan as a stay at home mom did not include getting up and driving 45 minutes in rush hour traffic to take my not yet two year old to school every day, observing her in her classroom where she is sometimes happy and sometimes crying, filling my afternoon with errands to stay busy (on the days I'm not working), picking her up, driving back home, unpacking her bag, making her lunch, and doing it all again the next day. 

THIS is real life. This is certainly not my fairy tale of staying home with my baby girl until she is school age. This is overwhelming. This is exhausting.

This is also necessary. I could pull her out of school, have a therapist come to our house once a week, and hope for the best (believe me, I have thought about doing that), but that is not what Marlee needs. Marlee has a disability that does not even have to be a disability after she graduates from MOSD. Marlee needs this school. She needs this school 5 days a week, 7 hours a day. She needs her teachers. She needs her therapists. She needs me to make every sacrifice I can possibly make to ensure she is fully equipped for the rest of her life. 

Sending Marlee to school has been the most difficult part of this journey. Through all of the doctors' visits, bad reports, and a first year of so many uncertainties, Marlee was always right there with me. Everything was going to be ok because I still had my Marlee beside me. This time is different. This time, I have to let her go because being right beside me is not what is best for her. The Lord reminds me that she is not mine to hold on to, she is His. This may not be easy, but this is His plan for Marlee's life. It is His best plan for her life, and He is teaching me to trust Him.

When I Leave

I am a school person. I love everything about it and always have. As a student I loved my teachers, my friends, school supplies, reading, learning, and (don't tell anyone) but I didn't always dread studying. As a teacher I loved my students, textbooks, setting up a classroom, planning activities, and so much more.

My first day of 1st grade

I should be thrilled that my little girl is about to enter the wonderful world of school, but I'm not. I'm not ready. You see, sending Marlee to school means she won't be with me. Today, I saw every expression and heard every sound she made. I know everything she ate and drank. I could tell you every toy she played with and each book she read. Soon, I won't be able to tell you those things, because on Monday through Friday from 8:15 to 3:00 she won't be with me.

I know she will be in a wonderful place with teachers who will love and take care of her. In fact, she will be exactly where she needs to be. It is just hard to accept that where she needs to be is not with me.

This was the first day of school last year. The best part - Marlee wasn't going to school, she was staying home with me!                 

     

                                                          

I don't want Marlee to be in school before her second birthday when she should still be learning by playing. She should be at home with me, in the kitchen, on walks, in the car, in the grocery store. 

It should be just the way it is now, not for forever, but for longer than this. I need more time to be with my girl. After this, there is no going back. She will be at MOSD until kindergarten and then in school through college. The 5 years I thought I would have at home with her, at least on most days, would have been short enough. I feel like that precious time is being snatched away. 

Please don't for a second think I feel sorry for myself. I have been blessed to stay home with my healthy, active, growing little girl for the past 21 months. Many moms never have that opportunity. I enjoy every moment and have never wished it away or taken it for granted. Also, I know there are families who move to other states just to put their child in a school like MOSD, yet we are within driving distance. Not to mention that years ago, parents sent their deaf children away to boarding school. Oh, there are many blessings. Marlee will be exposed to much more at Memphis Oral School than I could ever teach her at home. She will make friends and most importantly, establish a foundation in language that will set the course of her life. The truth is, I would be heartbroken if a school like this did not exist. 

It is just that this summer has seemed like a countdown to one the happiest seasons of my life coming to an end. So often after a fun summer day, I have cried myself to sleep because we are one day closer. I don't doubt the Lord's sovereignty in all of this. Just as His best plan for Marlee's life has included the loss of her hearing, this school, is also part of that plan. MOSD has been and will continue to be one of His greatest blessings in our lives.

I know this truth and will trust that although my plan for my time with Marlee looked much different, I am simply not the one in control. He has been faithful and more than good in every step of this journey even when I, as I do now, desperately wished things were different. He will continue to show Himself good and faithful because that is who He is. 

So from now until August, the school lover in me will read Marlee books about school, pick out sweet back to school outfits (you can't have too many of those, right?), and think about what I will send her for lunch. I will pray for Marlee's transition to school, and pray that I will trust The Lord enough to send her each day with a thankful spirit rather than selfishly wishing I could keep her home with me.

Then on August 12th, I will carry Marlee into her classroom, pry her from my arms, and leave. I'm not sure how I will do it, but as I was reminded in a song I heard recently, I will not leave her alone. When I leave the room, I will leave Jesus with Marlee...and His arms are much safer than mine.