A New Song

To my sweet girl,

Tonight as we begin choosing your cochlear implant device, my heart hurts.  More than anything else in the world, I want you to hear. To hear things just the way we hear them - no device implanted in your head and without a processor and magnet outside of your head. I want you to have natural hearing to enjoy all the little noises I hear throughout the day.  Every noise around me is a reminder that you aren't hearing them. I would give you my ears in a heartbeat if I could. You are such a happy baby - always smiling! I know you are not sad. But I'm sad. I'm sad because my happy baby can't hear.

Things could be worse, and I know that. We have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Everyday I am thankful for our healthy little girl. Thankful we live in a time when technology is available that will allow you to hear. Everything is going to be okay. You will continue to be my happy little girl. You will be my happy little girl who can hear. What a miracle that will be!

Right now, though, I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could make it better without surgery. The thought of sitting in a waiting room while you are in surgery overwhelms me. Worse, though, is the thought of you waking up from surgery crying or hurting. I won't be able to make you understand that the pain is temporary - even necessary. Without this pain, your world will be silent. Without this pain, you will miss so much. You won't be able to speak or sing or listen to music.

Maybe this is how the Lord feels when one of his children is going through or about to go through something difficult - when he allows something unpleasant or heartbreaking to come into their lives. He knows they will learn new things, be drawn closer to him, and be used in others' lives. He also understands that it will hurt. Maybe his heart hurts, too, when he knows his child is walking through pain.

When we first knew your hearing loss was significant, I remember that I didn't want to sing. I'm always singing - in the house, in the car, in the shower :), but I just couldn't. My heart had no song. I knew that my heart would never sing the same way it did before, but I prayed the Lord would give me a new song. My friend Jennifer said in her blog, "only God can put His new song in us, but when he does, others hear it, and it's a melody they won't forget because it leads them to Him."

Marlee, I continue to pray that just as on the other side of surgery, you will learn to hear music and to sing, that I, too, will learn a new song. I pray it is a song that, through your miracle of hearing, will lead others to Him.

Sweet dreams sweet girl! I can't wait until we can sing our new song together!

Marlee May's Birthday!

Every child's birth is a miracle and every mom has her own unique story to go along with that very special day. I will never forget the day, but this post will serve as a written reminder to me of God's goodness. It was also the beginning of her hearing loss journey as the day after Marlee was born brought the first indication that something was wrong with her hearing.

Two weeks before Marlee's due date, my doctor allowed Greg and I to set the induction date. I could either be induced on September 28th or on the actual due date, October 4th. I had a difficult pregnancy, so my doctor was being kind and giving the option of an earlier date. However, I have a hard enough time deciding what to make for dinner! Now I had to decide my child's birthday??  I finally settled on the earlier date but still agonized over whether or not we had made the right decision. Here were my reasons for wanting to wait a week.

1. I didn't want to be selfish - I had made it this far. What's one more week?
2. I wanted to give Marlee time to come on her own.
3. I would have one more week to finish things up at school.
4. An October birthday would allow for a pumpkin-themed first birthday party.
5. The weather forecast for Oct. 4th looked better than Sept. 28th.

I wish I was kidding...

So after much agony, I changed my mind and decided to move the induction to Friday, Oct. 4th.

Wednesday night, Sept. 26th, I could not sleep because I was having nerve pain. I called my doctor to tell her, but unfortunately, there was nothing that could be done about the pain. In our conversation, however, I mentioned that Marlee had not been very active. I assumed this was because she had run out of room. My doctor told me to come in for an ultrasound. I left school (I was working half days at this point) and drove hesitantly to her office. I called Greg and apologized because I knew our insurance did not cover ultrasounds, and I did not think it was necessary. I was wrong!

My fluid was low and the doctor decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital that night to monitor Marlee's heart rate and then to be induced the next morning. After all of that agonizing, the decision over her birthday was made for me! Praise the Lord for the unrelated pain that caused me to call my doctor.

Friday, September 28th, 2012: Marlee's birthday!

After a difficult morning, Marlee had trouble keeping her heart rate up. Because there was little fluid, she had no protection. In a room filled with concerned nurses watching her heart rate drop, my doctor came rushing in. She, too, was very concerned. In a matter of minutes, the decision was made to have an emergency c-section. In the scariest moment of my life, cords were pulled from the wall and thrown onto the bed with me, scrubs were thrown at Greg, and doctors and nurses surrounded me as they ran with me to the operating room. Greg had to wait in the hall likely because I had not been given enough anesthesia, so I felt much of the procedure. I don't recommend that, by the way!

At 12:38 p.m., just eight minutes after the decision to have a c-section was made, Marlee was here! She was here and she was perfectly healthy! 6 lbs. 2 oz., 19 inches long. I am so grateful for God's perfect timing and not my own. I am thankful for doctors who know exactly what to do and when to do it!

The next days in the hospital were wonderful. We loved holding, talking to, and showing off our Marlee May. It was fun to decide who she looked like and what her personality might be. Okay, maybe it was a little early for that, but I did decide that she seemed to have a very sweet personality :).

Saturday was the first time Marlee's hearing ever crossed our minds. Our families were in the hospital room, so Greg went to get Marlee from the nursery. He came back with news that she had failed the newborn hearing screening in her left ear. I immediately began crying. The nurses, however, had assured Greg that she failed the test because she was a c-section baby and still had fluid in her ears. Word must have gotten around that the news upset me because every nurse who came by reassured me that more than likely she did not pass the screening because of fluid in her ears. She failed the test again the next day, but, still, I was told not to be concerned. We left the hospital knowing we would have a followup appointment with the audiology department at Baptist hospital in about a month.

In the mean time, we had plenty, namely a little baby who did not adjust quickly to our world, to keep us occupied!

Need a little Christmas in July?

I am taking a break from posting about Marlee's journey to share with you about a special place. We were encouraged by our doctors to contact Memphis Oral School for the Deaf as it became evident that Marlee's hearing loss was quickly progressing. Maybe you have heard of this school. I had. In fact, while in college pursuing a degree in education, I became very interested in working with deaf children. I made plans to get my graduate degree in speech and language pathology. In preparation, I began observations at Memphis Speech and Hearing and Memphis Oral School for the Deaf (MOSD).  While I did not continue on this path (I fell in love with the regular classroom during student teaching), I now know that The Lord was preparing me for what he had prepared for me.

As a college student listening to the audiologist at MOSD explain the equipment used to detect hearing loss, I could never in a million years have imagined that I would spend a combined 18 hours holding my baby as she was hooked up to that machine. I could not have known that my little girl would be one of the preschoolers with a processor behind her ear and magnet on her head sitting sweetly in a semi-circle learning to listen to the teacher. I could not have known, but The Lord knew. That is how much he loves us. He loved me enough to prepare my heart. I guess because he knows I am not one for surprises :), he was giving me a frame of reference for all we would go through with Marlee. He was also giving me a love for the place that will play a huge role in Marlee's journey to hearing.

This past January when we were fairly certain Marlee would lose all of her hearing, Greg and I toured MOSD. We questioned whether we were going too soon as our grief was still so new, but we left that day with hope and a new perspective.

Marlee has been recieving some services at MOSD since February. She will begin going to school there full time next July and will continue until she is ready for kindergarten. I will be sharing much more about this school that already has such a special place in my heart because it will have an incredible impact on Marlee's life.

We go to MOSD this Friday for more testing and for Marlee's grandparents to see the school. I know they will leave with the same hope we felt when we first toured. I am grateful we live near this school. The faculty and staff will love her and teach her. It is a happy place, yet after driving by recently, Greg texted me a picture of the school and said he tears up a little every time he drives by. I know what he means. We would have never chosen for Marlee to need to go to Memphis Oral School for the Deaf, but she will go there. We did not choose this story for Marlee's life, but we know that MOSD will be a very important chapter in her story. And from someone who loves school, I am excited about this chapter.

Wondering about the title of this blog? Well, here's a little Christmas in July for you. This was Memphis Oral School's Christmas card. Enjoy the "sounds" of the season.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tGZUloH1nT4

Want to know more about MOSD? Here is the link. I hope to get the link permanently on my blog (but I have to learn how to do that first!)

http://www.mosdkids.org/

The Lord is my Shepherd...

I labor over every decision I make.  It's ridiculous really. It seems the more insignificant the decision, the harder it is for me to decide! I try!  I want to be decisive and confident in my choices, but I'm not quite there yet...

 Do you know how many decisions there are when planning for a baby??? From insignificant (some would say easy) decisions like the color of the nursery to choosing the name your child will be called for the rest of their life, it's enough to make an indecisive person (or at least her husband) crazy!

You can imagine the day when I was in the middle of teaching math to my second graders, and Greg called to tell me that the bedding I had seen and loved at Pottery Barn Outlet months before was on sale. Final sale. As in all sales are FINAL. Did I mention that I'm a returner?? As a result of my indecisiveness, I am a compulsive returner. I normally return more than I buy. Greg says it's a disorder and is convinced there must have been an Oprah episode about it!

I finished the math lesson (I'm sure one of my finer teaching moments), sent my kids to art class, and got on the phone! I had to have help! My cousin, Steph, helped me by looking up other bedding on the internet. Would I be getting a good deal? Was there something else out there I would like better?  I had not even begun to seriously look for bedding yet - a decision that would obviously set the tone for my baby's entire life! Right?! If I do choose this Pottery Barn bedding, what about the bumper?? I heard on the Today Show that they were dangerous! Do I buy the bumper too? What does the research say? Oh my! It was too much to decide during one 50 minute planning period!

In the end, Steph and I acknowledged it was a good buy and I loved it, so I should get it! I hung up the phone and, naturally, I walked quickly down the hall to get another teacher's opinion! Mrs. Manley stopped what she was doing to help me be brave and say yes to the bedding!! I ordered what I could online, Greg picked up the rest at the Outlet (he's a good one), and just like that the theme for Marlee's (well she wasn't Marlee yet - that's a decision for another day) nursery had been chosen.

Now to the important part. It sounds silly, but The Lord directed me to that "Sweet Lambie" bedding to remind me of some things. The verse I claimed for Marlee to go along with her sheep-themed nursery was Psalm 23:1. I love this version - "The Lord is my shepherd. I have all that I need."

I desperately want Marlee to hear and my prayer is that with the miracle of cochlear implants, she will. However, I know (I may not always feel this way but I do KNOW) that no matter the outcome, Marlee will have all she needs because her shepherd promises to provide for and to take care of her. In my saddest and most overwhelming moments, I remind myself of this promise The Lord gave to me before I even met my Marlee.

Last summer, my friend Marcela gave me a framed verse to fit the theme of Marlee's nursery. John 10:3. "The sheep hear his voice and he calls his own sheep by name." As I prepared Marlee's nursery for her arrival, I could have never known the comfort that verse would bring in the coming months.  "The sheep HEAR his voice."

My friend Jennifer reminded me of this verse also, "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." She said,"As Marlee learns to hear her mommy and daddy's voice, I am confident she has already been hearing the Lord sing over her."

Because The Lord is Marlee's shepherd, I too, am confident that she hears his voice as he sings over her. She does not know my voice yet, but she knows the voice of her shepherd. What comfort and peace that brings. My prayer is that Marlee will truly have all she needs, not because cochlear implants bring the ability to hear, but because she chooses to follow The Lord, her shepherd.

It's a GIRL!

One of the reasons I started a blog is to have a record of Marlee's journey. I am 9 months behind but plan to go back and document the most important moments of those months to be caught up by her cochlear implant surgery date. Did you know we have a date? September 30th!

When I think of recording special moments in my girl 's life, I can't start with a hearing loss diagnosis. I have to start with the sweetest words I think I've ever heard...it's a girl!!

I had a boy name picked out, no girl name yet, but I had trouble envisioning a boy. When I thought of our baby I always pictured a little girl. Of course, I had no way of knowing. Of course, I didn't tell anyone that I thought it might be a girl. In my dreams at night, our baby was a girl. I remember praying that The Lord would make me stop dreaming about a girl baby. I would be happy- thrilled - with a little boy, so I needed to be able to picture a boy just as easily as a girl. But a girl is what I pictured, a nameless girl , but a girl.

May 15, 2012 - such a beautiful, happy day. The weather was perfect, summer was on its way, and Greg and I would leave the doctor's office finally knowing girl or boy! We both took the day off so we would have plenty of time to prepare for the reveal party that night. A white cake mix with blue food coloring and a strawberry cake mix were both waiting for me on the kitchen counter. I could hardly wait to know which cake I would bake.

I was so nervous during the ultrasound that I was shaking (no surprise to those who know me). The nurse actually had me leave the room to stop shaking because she needed me to be still (how embarrassing). I calmed down (kind of), and was filled with thankfulness every time she looked at the monitor and told us "perfect." Relief swept over me as all that really mattered was a healthy baby. I have friends who left this appointment heartbroken after receiving bad news. I was beyond blessed and grateful. When I heard the words, "it's a girl," it was almost too much! I was overjoyed! Not only did we have a healthy baby, but the Lord had given me a lifelong friend in a sweet little girl.

I could hardly wait to meet her! But first we got to throw a party and tell our family....

Greg has two brothers who have sons, so this would be the first girl!

Then, I told my kids at school!

The balloons did not rise, but the kids didn't care!