The day before Marlee's audiology appointment on January 28, 2013, Greg asked me if I had prepared myself for the worst. The worst being that Marlee's hearing loss had progressed to the point of no response in either ear meaning profound hearing loss in both ears. I told Greg that no, I had not prepared myself for that and I would not. I just could not.
Our last audiology appointment had been on New Years Eve when we were devastated with the news that Marlee's hearing loss was no longer only in one ear. In fact, the hearing in her good (right) ear had gone from normal to a severe loss in less than three weeks. There are no words to describe that day or the heartache we felt as we held our sweet girl not understanding why or what was causing her to rapidly lose her hearing.
On the morning of the 28th, during Marlee's nap time, although I had determined to not prepare myself for further bad news, The Lord graciously prepared me anyway. He brought to my mind truths that began to take root during a Beth Moore conference I attended eight years ago in Oklahoma City. I still knew where my notes were and was immediately directed to the quote at the top of this post. I had been trusting God to heal Marlee, but He was asking me to trust him even if He did not. He reminded me that I could not trust him conditionally and that "If what I fear the most does happen, The Lord knows that my life will have greater purpose because of it." He led me to this verse that somehow I don't think I had heard before - or maybe this was just the first time it really meant something to me. "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting The Lord." Ps. 112:7 I remember crying as I realized that The Lord was preparing me for that day.
He began to give me other verses that I then wrote out on index cards. These verses came with me to the appointment that day. I held Marlee and those index cards through the whole test.
"I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted Him for that day." 2 Tim. 1:12
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. Ps. 62:5-6
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
The other verses were: Ps.23:1, 2 Cor. 1:9, Deut. 1:31, Zeph. 3:17, Ps. 40:1-3, Isa.40:10-11, Phi.4:6-7, and Josh. 1:9.
Greg came home from work that morning so we could go together to the appointment. Marlee slept the whole way there.
We parked in the parking garage at Baptist East and walked the by now familiar path to the doors of the hospital. I stopped before the doors opened and just cried. I did not want to go in. I did not want to hear what at this point I felt was almost certain. I continued to wipe my eyes as we sat in registration, as we walked to audiology, and as the audiologist placed the electrodes on Marlee's head for the 5th time in her life. However, as I held her during the normally 3 hour long test, I stopped crying and can honestly say I experienced what could have only been the peace that passes all understanding that God promises us. The test was much shorter than normal, and the audiologist was not looking as intently at the computer screen as normal - I knew. She was not having to read the results as carefully because Marlee's brain was simply not responding to any noise. The ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test measures the brain's response to sound. After testing, our audiologist asked us to move to another room where she told us the results - no response in either ear. What I had feared most had happened. Marlee had lost, for all practical purposes, all of her hearing, yet in that moment The Lord gave me peace. The "sentence of death" we felt on New Years Eve was replaced with peace. The sadness and even fear were not gone, but our trust had become greater.
We parked in the parking garage at Baptist East and walked the by now familiar path to the doors of the hospital. I stopped before the doors opened and just cried. I did not want to go in. I did not want to hear what at this point I felt was almost certain. I continued to wipe my eyes as we sat in registration, as we walked to audiology, and as the audiologist placed the electrodes on Marlee's head for the 5th time in her life. However, as I held her during the normally 3 hour long test, I stopped crying and can honestly say I experienced what could have only been the peace that passes all understanding that God promises us. The test was much shorter than normal, and the audiologist was not looking as intently at the computer screen as normal - I knew. She was not having to read the results as carefully because Marlee's brain was simply not responding to any noise. The ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test measures the brain's response to sound. After testing, our audiologist asked us to move to another room where she told us the results - no response in either ear. What I had feared most had happened. Marlee had lost, for all practical purposes, all of her hearing, yet in that moment The Lord gave me peace. The "sentence of death" we felt on New Years Eve was replaced with peace. The sadness and even fear were not gone, but our trust had become greater.
On that day he gave me 2 Corinthians 1:9 " Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." Today I can also say verses 10-11. "He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
So many of us have testimonies like this in our lives. I thank Him for loving us and being so attentive to the needs of our hearts.
Here are a few more pictures from two of our audiology appointments:
Here are a few more pictures from two of our audiology appointments:
1st appointment - October 27th, 2012
November 30th, 2012
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