When I Leave

I am a school person. I love everything about it and always have. As a student I loved my teachers, my friends, school supplies, reading, learning, and (don't tell anyone) but I didn't always dread studying. As a teacher I loved my students, textbooks, setting up a classroom, planning activities, and so much more.

My first day of 1st grade

I should be thrilled that my little girl is about to enter the wonderful world of school, but I'm not. I'm not ready. You see, sending Marlee to school means she won't be with me. Today, I saw every expression and heard every sound she made. I know everything she ate and drank. I could tell you every toy she played with and each book she read. Soon, I won't be able to tell you those things, because on Monday through Friday from 8:15 to 3:00 she won't be with me.

I know she will be in a wonderful place with teachers who will love and take care of her. In fact, she will be exactly where she needs to be. It is just hard to accept that where she needs to be is not with me.

This was the first day of school last year. The best part - Marlee wasn't going to school, she was staying home with me!                 

     

                                                          

I don't want Marlee to be in school before her second birthday when she should still be learning by playing. She should be at home with me, in the kitchen, on walks, in the car, in the grocery store. 

It should be just the way it is now, not for forever, but for longer than this. I need more time to be with my girl. After this, there is no going back. She will be at MOSD until kindergarten and then in school through college. The 5 years I thought I would have at home with her, at least on most days, would have been short enough. I feel like that precious time is being snatched away. 

Please don't for a second think I feel sorry for myself. I have been blessed to stay home with my healthy, active, growing little girl for the past 21 months. Many moms never have that opportunity. I enjoy every moment and have never wished it away or taken it for granted. Also, I know there are families who move to other states just to put their child in a school like MOSD, yet we are within driving distance. Not to mention that years ago, parents sent their deaf children away to boarding school. Oh, there are many blessings. Marlee will be exposed to much more at Memphis Oral School than I could ever teach her at home. She will make friends and most importantly, establish a foundation in language that will set the course of her life. The truth is, I would be heartbroken if a school like this did not exist. 

It is just that this summer has seemed like a countdown to one the happiest seasons of my life coming to an end. So often after a fun summer day, I have cried myself to sleep because we are one day closer. I don't doubt the Lord's sovereignty in all of this. Just as His best plan for Marlee's life has included the loss of her hearing, this school, is also part of that plan. MOSD has been and will continue to be one of His greatest blessings in our lives.

I know this truth and will trust that although my plan for my time with Marlee looked much different, I am simply not the one in control. He has been faithful and more than good in every step of this journey even when I, as I do now, desperately wished things were different. He will continue to show Himself good and faithful because that is who He is. 

So from now until August, the school lover in me will read Marlee books about school, pick out sweet back to school outfits (you can't have too many of those, right?), and think about what I will send her for lunch. I will pray for Marlee's transition to school, and pray that I will trust The Lord enough to send her each day with a thankful spirit rather than selfishly wishing I could keep her home with me.

Then on August 12th, I will carry Marlee into her classroom, pry her from my arms, and leave. I'm not sure how I will do it, but as I was reminded in a song I heard recently, I will not leave her alone. When I leave the room, I will leave Jesus with Marlee...and His arms are much safer than mine.