A New Song

To my sweet girl,

Tonight as we begin choosing your cochlear implant device, my heart hurts.  More than anything else in the world, I want you to hear. To hear things just the way we hear them - no device implanted in your head and without a processor and magnet outside of your head. I want you to have natural hearing to enjoy all the little noises I hear throughout the day.  Every noise around me is a reminder that you aren't hearing them. I would give you my ears in a heartbeat if I could. You are such a happy baby - always smiling! I know you are not sad. But I'm sad. I'm sad because my happy baby can't hear.

Things could be worse, and I know that. We have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Everyday I am thankful for our healthy little girl. Thankful we live in a time when technology is available that will allow you to hear. Everything is going to be okay. You will continue to be my happy little girl. You will be my happy little girl who can hear. What a miracle that will be!

Right now, though, I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could make it better without surgery. The thought of sitting in a waiting room while you are in surgery overwhelms me. Worse, though, is the thought of you waking up from surgery crying or hurting. I won't be able to make you understand that the pain is temporary - even necessary. Without this pain, your world will be silent. Without this pain, you will miss so much. You won't be able to speak or sing or listen to music.

Maybe this is how the Lord feels when one of his children is going through or about to go through something difficult - when he allows something unpleasant or heartbreaking to come into their lives. He knows they will learn new things, be drawn closer to him, and be used in others' lives. He also understands that it will hurt. Maybe his heart hurts, too, when he knows his child is walking through pain.

When we first knew your hearing loss was significant, I remember that I didn't want to sing. I'm always singing - in the house, in the car, in the shower :), but I just couldn't. My heart had no song. I knew that my heart would never sing the same way it did before, but I prayed the Lord would give me a new song. My friend Jennifer said in her blog, "only God can put His new song in us, but when he does, others hear it, and it's a melody they won't forget because it leads them to Him."

Marlee, I continue to pray that just as on the other side of surgery, you will learn to hear music and to sing, that I, too, will learn a new song. I pray it is a song that, through your miracle of hearing, will lead others to Him.

Sweet dreams sweet girl! I can't wait until we can sing our new song together!